and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Randomize
