It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
