And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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