I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
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