Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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