If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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