just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
