we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
