Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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