My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
A+ Viking dick
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
