he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Randomize
