mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
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