we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
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