I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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