still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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