Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
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