my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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