the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
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