he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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