If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
