I didn't shave. On purpose
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Randomize
