She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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