last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
