i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
