i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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