i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
