I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
