My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
