you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
