By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Green mimosas i think yes
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
