3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I think I won the penis lottery.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
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