You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
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