If i come over, it means nothing
Dude my mom stole all your condoms
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
