dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
