He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
