omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
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