And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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