I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
