I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Houston, we have a blender
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
