yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Randomize
