Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
