My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
