just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
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