My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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