True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
