Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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