how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
