as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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