my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
