I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Drunk is a universal language darling
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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