a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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